Heart Don't Fail Me Now

Heart, don't fail me now!

Courage, don't desert me!
Don't turn back now that we're here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear!
Or how a road can seem so long
How the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through
Heart I'm trusting you
On this journey...to the past future

Hi everyone~ I know you're all probably sick and tired of my excuses, but then again, I'm sure you can do a month or two without my updates well enough.

So, what's my explanation this time, you wonder? I've been receiving treatment for my eating disorder and have just finished my two weeks at the day unit. They would have liked to keep me for a week or two more, but I decided to try recovering on my own because I found the atmosphere there really oppressing and not very inspiring. The nurses and other patients were all nice enough, but it wasn't exactly a picnic, and I don't intend to go back. :3

That said, you can probably guess that I haven't been going out much - but I do have a few photos for you. After all, I've been gone for a good while, yet again...


First, there was my housewarming party. Not too many photos were taken that night, which is probably a blessing. :D




Then my brother graduated from high school, and Aleksi proved himself by bravely going where no boyfriend of mine has gone before: meeting my extended family, curious aunts and teenaged cousins alike. Because we were a little short on extra hands, he was immediately employed as the butler. :__D

A lot of people commented on our similar hair styles. I kept replying, "The difference is that my hair still moves when it's windy." :'D ♥



Then it was my one and only female cousin's confirmation, and soon after that Dad's step-brother turned 50, so I've been seeing my cousins and second cousins a lot more than usually. It's really cool, though, because now the smallest are beginning to remember me and it just melts my heart when they start following me around at parties. ♥ ;___; I asked one of them (3 years old) if he thought I'm old, and he replied, "Yeah, and BIG, too!" XDD He was so confused when I told him that his godmother is mine too. Kids are so cute.




Then Finland finally realized that it's summer and the sun is supposed to be shining, and I went on a tanning spree. :3 Unfortunately, my tan magically disappeared when I entered the ED unit and had to spend all days indoors eating and sleeping and eating and sleeping and maybe playing with the other kids (just like daycare XDD), so now I'll have to build it back before fall comes and steals my sun!







Then, the week before the daycare, I went to zoo with Aleksi and Julia ♥

The pictures are the smallest and the largest bear known - according to that I'm a medium-sized bear. 8D Ain't that cool.

Julia, on the other hand, was a medium-sized bird. XD

There were cute, fluffy animals...

... gorgeous animals...

... slightly creepy animals...

... and stunning (if a little gay) animals. :D

And then there were some really weird-looking animals that are probably mammals but like to laze around in the sun, preferably on a warm rock, like lizards. ♥




And finally, last night I hosted Rikkis's birthday party at my place. We played sing star and guessing celebrities, ate, drank and laughed. I had a great time and I hope everyone else did too. ^^

At least they did. XD

We were also celebrating my being freed from the "Please do feed the animals" cage of the day unit and Emma's birthday. It's a brand new life waiting for the both of us... and it might be scary but it's gonna be so worth it all!

And whatever the path ahead has in store for me, at least I won't be walking it alone. ♥




Oh yeah. :D I figured I wanted something new to celebrate all these birthdays and new beginnings and all, so I dyed my hair (with my own dainty little hands, now pink-stained) the night before it. Around 3 am. Considering the time, I'm pretty happy with the result, even if it turned out hot pink instead of the baby pink I had imagined... What do you think? :3



Lastly, I really want to thank you all for the kind words and support you gave me on my last post. I don't feel that I deserve such faith and kindness, but it meant a lot - you guys were in my thoughts whenever I found myself struggling through a meal. Thank you.

I'm Telling on You (ft. lots of beer I didn't drink)

Hey there~ What's up, guys? I'm on summer vacation ♥ From school, that is - I still work. :D And gosh does it feel great to be absolutely free to do whatever you want after you get off from work!

To congratulate myself on managing to crawl and slither my way through yet another year (more or less successfully, I'm still waiting for some grades - the one's I've gotten this far haven't been horrible, though) I went shopping on Friday - and man, did I SHOP. I guess I'll be eating oatmeal for a looooong time now, as I'm now the happy owner of a PlayStation3, a new piercing on my ear, new shoes, some clothes including a dress for my brother's graduation party, and an iPhone, which should arrive next week. Talk about shopping therapy! XD


This is what I wore. I went on a full-blown shopping spree because I bumped into a lady doing a poll thing on whatever, and she asked me if I was under 30. I was so mad I wanted to strangle her, but instead I just went and got my earlobe pierced. :D

For once, I also tried something new with my hair, because I didn't feel like wearing my extensions. What do you think? I thought it was kind of cute, though it looked really strange seeing my hair like that.


Yesterday, I went to a trance event "In Search of Sunrise" with Aleksi, and this is what I wore there. Unfortunately I was so tried that I couldn't really enjoy the show or the music to the fullest, but I still had a great time. ♥



Now... looking at this photo, I decided to come out with something, even if it probably won't be a surprise to some of you. The rough year I've had - the stress I've been under, the three times I've been hospitalized for my allergies, and my Grandpa's death among other things - is manifesting itself as an eating disorder. I look fairly healthy because of my bone structure, but my bmi has gotten ridiculously low, and after seeing a dietitian and a doctor all spring and still keeping losing weight I've been sent to a clinic specializing in eating disorders.

Why am I making this public, then? Because after telling my friends, my boyfriend, my family and even a few co-workers I've noticed that being able to talk freely about it makes it much easier for me to convince myself that I need to fix things before they get too bad. I'm apparently on the verge of being taken in, and this doesn't sound at all appealing. -__-;; So I'm hoping that being completely open will help me sort my thoughts out, and of course if you guys have any similar experiences or thoughts or are just interested, just contact me and we can talk more. ♥

I'm hoping you'll all be supportive and also understanding because this is why I've been lacking the energy to update and to get dolled up and take photos. Still, this isn't SUCH a big deal, it's just a part of my life for now and hopefully not for long. :3 Just asking for you to bear with me!





And so that this post wouldn't end with all gloom and doom, a casual photo of what I wore when I left for work this morning - though obviously I have to wear a uniform and my hair on a ponytail there. :D

Still thought it was fairly cute, and for once I dared to pin my bangs up and expose my very vulnerable forehead and - gasp! - eyebrows. :D

Aside from my unusual hairdo, the day was unusual in many other ways as well: in particular in many mysterious things happening to the beer we were selling. First, the glass I was filling randomly dropped its bottom and splashed all the 0,5 l of beer all over me, the table and the floor. Which was EW. Then, when my co-worker was filling another glass, she touched the glasses standing by, very lightly - kaboom, a whole pile of them jumped off the table, knocking the glass off from her hand. Beer on the floor again! Then the tank ran empty, and she had to replace it, which was a show in and of itself, especially since she had to do it based on instructions she was receiving on phone while at the same time instructing me on doing a gin-tonic for a customer who just picked the perfect time to order one. Changing the tank failed twice, we were up to our ankles in beer (... well, almost...), and we had to call for reinforcements. After my boss had successfully changed the tank, we tried to sell some beer - and got foam. LOTS of foam. On the table. On the floor. On ourselves. Not much in the glass, though.

Then, to replace the glasses we had broken, we had to wash some new fresh-from-the-factory glasses. Unsurprisingly, quite a lot of them went kaboom in the dish-washing machine. This day has been so unlucky for anything made of glass that I'm still hesitating to take off my contacts and wear my glasses... XD

'Cause the Future Is Bright Pink, Bitch!

Gosh, it's been so long... again!! ;___; I'm still hideously busy for a few weeks, but then the summer holidays should kick in and leave me some time for rest. I actually got 24 days of paid vacation at work, which is more than fine by me. o3o (Don't you think it's really, really unfair that a teacher's absence counts as yours and it means you'll have to write a longer essay than the rest of the class just because you've missed three times of the lectures, even though that one time you missed because you were freaking hospitalized and the other wasn't even your absence but the teacher's?! Thought so!)

Aside from final essays and a huge pile of exams, two big changes have taken place in my life - in fact, on the very same day. As I said earlier, I have now moved out! Also, remember the tall dude with white hair from my last post, Aleksi? We are, like, in a relationship now. ♥ I'm stunned and amazed at my luck and all this is so overwhelmingly wonderful that I'm almost scared. *___*

Because I've been really busy, I don't have much photos to offer, either, but have three that were taken today~


My room!! ♥ The couch takes up half of the space but who cares, it's comfy and now I have a place to lounge on and to read books on. ♥ As said before, I live in a student apartment with two other girls, so this room is actually the only place I can call my own in our flat. In reality, though, I've apparently made such an everlasting impression on my flatmates that one of them refuses to leave the safety of her room and the other doesn't dare to come home at all, so I get to reign over my kingdom pretty much as I wish. :D


And here's my outfit for going to see Thor with Aleksi~ (Thor was visually great, btw, awesomely epic mythological adventure with fancy computer-made settings and dramatic music, just the way I like it. Plot-wise, it was nothing special, but oh, Loki. ♥ I'm such a myth geek... XD)


Everything in this room gets a pinkish hue because of the new pink-and-purple curtains. XD But I love it.

How are you guys doing? Sorry I haven't been able to keep up with your blogs!

WHITEOUT 2011

Hi there and sorry for yet another long gap :3 The issues I mentioned last time are still around and taking more of my time than ever, and in fact some new things have come up... naturally just in time to distract me from writing my final essays and studying for my final exams. Why do these things always happen when I'm already freaky busy? I'm moving really soon, too...

I don't have much to say and even less time to say it, so just pictures this time, sorry. :3


Everyday outfits with relatively little make up~ I'm so tried in the mornings, I don't have the time to do much X___x


But on Saturday I did get a little more dolled up, because I went to Whiteout, a techno/trance/industrial/whatever rave party *w* It was awesome! The dress-code was, of course, white... but we all know I can only do black and white. :D


Finally got to use those goggles, though! YEAH!



The bags under my eyes tell everything about how busy I am and how little time I have to sleep, and my lower lashes have gone missing yet again, but I like the white stickers on my face. :3 They're actually nail stickers but I figured that what the hell, since I never get to do my nails nicely anyway, why not use them this way, then. :D


Stole this from the Whiteout Facebook page, so obviously IT'S NOT MINE. Copyrights go to whoever took the photo, forgot to check. With me are Aleksi (the tall one) and Katja, my former co-workers, and Jaakko, Aleksi's friend.

What do you think? I think I've managed to get rid of the orange tint where my hair used to be black very nicely, although as a result my hair is really dry and frizzy now and I don't dare to do much with it. :/

Six Feet Under

Umm... Hi guys, what's up? ♥ I'm sorry I've been kind of m.i.a for, uh, more than a month, but... as I've whined before, my school, work and social life are taking quite a lot out of me, and this spring it all just pretty much crashed on me, and with all the health issues going on right now I have to spend all my energy on things like school and work and they're still going like hell... and recovering, I guess. I got hospitalized for my allergies again, too, and failed two exams, which just never happens to me. I'm still far from being okay and keep struggling to get through every day, but I'll try to minimize my brooding here - that's what I have my LJ account for, in any case. (If you're, for some reason, interested, feel free to ask, tho. It's just that I don't like talking about personal things in this blog.)

So, since I haven't really been to any outings as of late, my outfits have been simple and comfy rather than showy, and I haven't put much effort into my make up or hair. Speaking of hair, though - I've gone fully blond again!


Bleaching the dark part was such a pain, though - it turned red first, and then I dyed it brown for a few days before going back to blond... My hair shortened by some 5 cm :D


As you can probably see, the former black is still pretty orange, but since my hair is so damaged right now, I want to let it rest for a while before I bleach it again. :3 So bear with it.



The reason I wanted to go back to blond was this: my new extensions! They were platinum blond and I couldn't find affordable black hair of the same length. And I must admit that the black-and-white hair was so hard to keep looking good, because I had to dye them at different intervals... and trying to silver shampoo the white part without getting it on the dark part was a pain, too.

Btw, the book I have in hand there is the Norton Anthology of American Literature. I just had an exam on it on Wednesday. I hope it went well, even though I think I misspelled some names...


Can you see what has lately become my favorite accessory? XD Since I'm in the habit of sleeping in, that hat is a lifesaver. It looks good with at least half of my wardrobe and saves me the trouble of trying to make my rebellious hair look even remotely acceptable.


Unfortunately, my b/w hair was my most admired hairdo ever. ;____; I loved it when people complimented it, and I loved it myself, too. But... it was just so much trouble - and I'd had it for more than six months, already, and was desperate for a change. Maybe I'll go back to it, some day, though :3



I also have an announcement: I'M MOVING OUT!!! I got a room in a student apartment of HOAS in Helsinki and will be moving in (... to live with two complete strangers, yikes!) on May 2nd unless something dramatic happens. 8) I'm so excited, but this means I'll be even busier than before - the beginning of May is pretty much when all the exams and deadlines are, so I'd better do them BEFORE I move...


And then, because I found this when I was going through my files to gather stuff for this post:

Lol XDDDD ♥ That's me in September (... I think...) 2009. I'd just found this fancy Sin City font and had to try it immediately.

[no subject]

Maaaaaan, I'm so sick X____x My fever is currently pretty low but I still feel all shaky and achy... so since I don't really have the energy to do much but couldn't stand just lying on the couch anymore, I figured I'd drop by to post these and then go back to doing nothing.


A simple but warm everyday outfit for school on a freezing day - I tried to layer things so it wouldn't show. It was -25 degrees ;___;


What I wore to Leijo's b-day party last Friday. I really liked this outfit - the wet-look jacket had just arrived the very same morning, and it fit me perfectly. Too bad the webcam pretty much swallowed my lashes, but oh well - you know I was wearing them, anyway. :D

Ok, my head's beginning to hurt so much that I think I'll just head back to the couch now. See you guys later, when I feel a bit more alive... ♥

☆ SNOW WHITE ☆

Lol, Snow White is pretty much my least favorite Disney princess because she has no spirit or attitude whatsoever, buuuuut~~ in the spirit (and attitude!) of the last entry, I had to name this one after her. :D

Because the studio photos, part 2/2, is finally here, too! And I gotta say, I love them just as much as the ones in part two. I feel that the ones in my last post, curiously enough the ones with the pink background, are more rock than these, and these are more princess-y - perhaps because of the glitter and shine, lol. And while the pink ones have a slightly dreamlike and/or mysterious feeling about them, these here are more cheerful and spring-like.

All photos below are taken by and photoshopped by Miki Toikkanen. Accompanying me, again, is the ever-so-lovely Saara. ♥










There~ What do you think? I personally adore both sets and I'm very happy and thankful to my two talented photographers who took the time to take these and to photoshop these for me ♥ Awesome *w*

☆ CANDYPINK ☆

This weekend has been great. o3o No school or work on Friday or Sunday, and a nice morning shift on Saturday - yes, there have been some bad moments, like my knee bothering me again yesterday and general moodiness taking over my mind for a while at work today, but in general things have gone well, and I've managed to catch up with some of my reading and sleeping. I was, only two days ago, devastated that I couldn't even get my hands on the two books I had to read before Monday for my Gothic Lit and Children's Lit classes, but then a friend of mine gave me his version of the Castle of Otranto and I realized I already had Wind in the Willows and ta-dah, I was saved. ♥

On a downside, I have an exam on Classic Literature on Tuesday, and I can't seem to get along with Odyssey due to it being a poor translation. Or what I perceive as a poor translation...

But that concludes my literature snob-ing because I'm guessing half of you are already yawning. :D Now, I'm going to spend a moment being super vain because it's just so RARE that someone takes the time to take photos of me - and better still, takes photos I actually like *w*




So it's time to go PINK! in the form of the fruits of the studio photoshoot I mentioned last time. This time, I'm only showing photos taken by Satu, as Miki has yet to give me hers. Incidentally, they are all taken against a pink background... and unfortunately in almost exactly the same outfit, but that's mostly due to my laziness - I didn't want to change too many times, and it would have ruined my hair, too. XD

All photos below are taken and photoshopped by Satu Kaarnakangas; in three cases I have added some light and contrast because the original looked very dark at least on my computer. I hope you don't mind this, Satu ♥ This is in no way because I wasn't satisfied with your versions, because you did a wonderful job - I guess I'm just used to photoshopping my photos beyond repair to hide the dark bags under my eyes... XDDDD

Unfortunately, I hadn't really thought this through, and my tights look a little awkward. I wish I had noticed so I could have pulled them up ;____;

The same mistake again. D:

For the past few weeks, Saara and I have taken the habit to have lunch together on Tuesdays - which, naturally, lead to us talking almost exclusively about the week's g_s entry. XD How convenient. The funny thing is, it took a while before we realized we were doing that. This Gossip Girl photoshoot was inspired by this realization. ♥

I really like how we are kind of "black" and "white" here - but Satu was devastated because of course it was difficult to take a picture that shows both of our colors well... I think she did pretty well though.

This was inspired mostly by the colors of the fans clashing with the background so hilariously. :D


Saara described herself as a "monster" in this one - would that make my expression a "Lookie, even monsters eat from my palm!" one? :__D I personally find it adorable.


This one Saara described as a "incredibly cliche soft porn pic". I kind of have to agree. XD I still find it kind of cute, though.


And finally, my absolute favorite, even if it has my slightly retarded face in it. I like the pose, I like the colors, and I adore the photoshopping Satu has done to give it a slightly misty, dreamlike feeling.

Of course, after the photos she took last Halloween, I had no doubt about Satu's abilities - but still, I'm slightly amazed at how good I can look when someone like her is taking the photos. :o I guess it's because she's going to be a pro some day - but then again, school photos are taken by pros and I always looked HORRIBLE in them, no matter how pretty I looked otherwise!

... not that I actually did look very pretty back then. ;___; Do you guys ever wish you had dressed differently in past? I do, all the time. I really regret not going all the way with all the visual kei stuff and so on, because I'm perhaps a bit too old to get to it now... But I was way too shy and considered myself rather ugly at the time. :/ It's kind of sad, don't you think? (Of course, I was also too poor to afford it myself, and Mom refused to fund me... :_D)


So, what do you guys think of the photos? ♥

Flying

Oh damn, I've gotten so busy again! D: No matter how much you like the books you have to read for school (and I like most of them this spring!), they still take TIME! And then there's work and social life and so on... Bohoo ;___; The weather has been awful, too, and doesn't really encourage to dress up nicely - or to do your hair, for that matter. (from Ms Oh My I Guess It's A Hat Day Again with love...)

I have had a few parties for which I've taken the time to get dolled up, but my camera's memory card ran away and I can't find it! (....................... wait. Did I give it to Inka? Hey, Inka, did I give it to you? XD I have another one but God knows where that is...) So there is no photographic evidence of me having looked even remotely decent. D:

EXCEPT for on Saturday, when I reunited with my gals for Satu and Miki's (don't know if she has a blog) studio photoshoot! As our poor heroines ended up taking some billion photos, they're naturally not out yet, so it might take a while before I can show anything - but with such amazing settings, awesome gals assisting, and amazing photographers I trust even my face will have to look presentable in a few photos!



All the other (drop dead gorgeous) girls had barricaded themselves in the hallway, but the four of us who came late camped in front of the only bathroom - and believe it or not, our Doppelganger Club (that is, the two Saara's, left and right in the picture respectively, and us two Hennas, the prettier of which can be seen behind the left-hand Saara) took up pretty much all of the room with our stuff. :DD I think the other Saara and Henna have blogs somewhere too but damn, I can't find them and I just spent 30 minutes trying to ;____; What the heck.


After the photoshooting it was straight to my workplace to ditch all my extra outfits in my locker, and to - gasp - resort to going out in my ugly-as-fuck work shoes because I was stupid enough to think I could walk all day in high heels. XDDDDD EW. Thank goodness I had the furry legwarmers with me so no one really noticed anything funny about my shoes, but damn I felt ugly and self-conscious walking out in them! However, I was heading to a party and the night had a chance to turn into a very long one, and since my feet were hurting at 6 pm I didn't really have a choice...

And it turned out to be a very good idea because the night was looooong and I do believe walking around in my killer heels might have been fatal by the end of the night XD Unfortunately my curls didn't make it to the party, but that's Finnish weather for you, yet again...




Then, while we're waiting for the photoshoot pics to come out, I think I'll just show some pictures I found in my cell while moving the Doppelganger pic to my laptop, mainly to demonstrate my mood over the last few weeks.




Sadness. I still think of this day a lot - that is, my Grandpa's funeral day. You're all probably sick of hearing about it, but don't worry, I'm not gonna get too mopey this time. I just wanted to show you what that day looked like, because even though it was one of the heaviest days in my life and even though it was also one of the coldest days this winter, it was also an extremely beautiful one. Grandpa was always a great friend of nature, and sentimental and silly as it may seem to you, I like to think that Nature kind of wanted to pay him her respects by dressing up in her finest on that day.


Insecurity. What do you think of this outfit? It's very special for me for several reasons I don't particularly want to elaborate here, but I'd like to hear your opinion. Sorry I don't have a better picture, though, and my hair failed a great deal too. .__.



Restlessness. This is Helsinki as seen by me one chilly Saturday morning from the rooftop of my workplace, Stockmann (a department house). You can see the Uspensk Cathedral back there, and a misty horizon that disappears behind the houses - that's where the Baltic Ocean is, near enough to be seen daily but far enough that I never actually bother going to see it. Every time I stand looking in the general direction of it, I can feel my feet itching to go, go, GO already.




Longing. I had a freaking nightmare about being back in Tokyo and it being our last day and me missing several trains on the way to the airport, until I finally ended up in a train that didn't bloody stop in Shinjuku and while I was beginning to fall in despair that I'd never manage to catch my flight, I also noticed that I had left my luggage somewhere. IT WAS AWFUL because you know, I missed home and I was terrified that I had been left alone and that my friends would make it and I wouldn't, but at the same time I was so damn happy about getting to stay there.

I miss Tokyo already. TT_TT


I also haven't been feeling too well lately, both physically and mentally, and last week I finally made the important decision to go to the health inspection my school offers. I haven't been to one for years and I'm terrified of what they'll find. o___o I'm in such a bad shape!

Anyways, I hope to get back to you soon with some hopefully successful shots from last Saturday, but until then - thanks for your support and patience, it means the world to me, and sweet dreams. ♥ See you guys later~