Heart Don't Fail Me Now

Heart, don't fail me now!

Courage, don't desert me!
Don't turn back now that we're here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear!
Or how a road can seem so long
How the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through
Heart I'm trusting you
On this journey...to the past future

Hi everyone~ I know you're all probably sick and tired of my excuses, but then again, I'm sure you can do a month or two without my updates well enough.

So, what's my explanation this time, you wonder? I've been receiving treatment for my eating disorder and have just finished my two weeks at the day unit. They would have liked to keep me for a week or two more, but I decided to try recovering on my own because I found the atmosphere there really oppressing and not very inspiring. The nurses and other patients were all nice enough, but it wasn't exactly a picnic, and I don't intend to go back. :3

That said, you can probably guess that I haven't been going out much - but I do have a few photos for you. After all, I've been gone for a good while, yet again...


First, there was my housewarming party. Not too many photos were taken that night, which is probably a blessing. :D




Then my brother graduated from high school, and Aleksi proved himself by bravely going where no boyfriend of mine has gone before: meeting my extended family, curious aunts and teenaged cousins alike. Because we were a little short on extra hands, he was immediately employed as the butler. :__D

A lot of people commented on our similar hair styles. I kept replying, "The difference is that my hair still moves when it's windy." :'D ♥



Then it was my one and only female cousin's confirmation, and soon after that Dad's step-brother turned 50, so I've been seeing my cousins and second cousins a lot more than usually. It's really cool, though, because now the smallest are beginning to remember me and it just melts my heart when they start following me around at parties. ♥ ;___; I asked one of them (3 years old) if he thought I'm old, and he replied, "Yeah, and BIG, too!" XDD He was so confused when I told him that his godmother is mine too. Kids are so cute.




Then Finland finally realized that it's summer and the sun is supposed to be shining, and I went on a tanning spree. :3 Unfortunately, my tan magically disappeared when I entered the ED unit and had to spend all days indoors eating and sleeping and eating and sleeping and maybe playing with the other kids (just like daycare XDD), so now I'll have to build it back before fall comes and steals my sun!







Then, the week before the daycare, I went to zoo with Aleksi and Julia ♥

The pictures are the smallest and the largest bear known - according to that I'm a medium-sized bear. 8D Ain't that cool.

Julia, on the other hand, was a medium-sized bird. XD

There were cute, fluffy animals...

... gorgeous animals...

... slightly creepy animals...

... and stunning (if a little gay) animals. :D

And then there were some really weird-looking animals that are probably mammals but like to laze around in the sun, preferably on a warm rock, like lizards. ♥




And finally, last night I hosted Rikkis's birthday party at my place. We played sing star and guessing celebrities, ate, drank and laughed. I had a great time and I hope everyone else did too. ^^

At least they did. XD

We were also celebrating my being freed from the "Please do feed the animals" cage of the day unit and Emma's birthday. It's a brand new life waiting for the both of us... and it might be scary but it's gonna be so worth it all!

And whatever the path ahead has in store for me, at least I won't be walking it alone. ♥




Oh yeah. :D I figured I wanted something new to celebrate all these birthdays and new beginnings and all, so I dyed my hair (with my own dainty little hands, now pink-stained) the night before it. Around 3 am. Considering the time, I'm pretty happy with the result, even if it turned out hot pink instead of the baby pink I had imagined... What do you think? :3



Lastly, I really want to thank you all for the kind words and support you gave me on my last post. I don't feel that I deserve such faith and kindness, but it meant a lot - you guys were in my thoughts whenever I found myself struggling through a meal. Thank you.

I'm Telling on You (ft. lots of beer I didn't drink)

Hey there~ What's up, guys? I'm on summer vacation ♥ From school, that is - I still work. :D And gosh does it feel great to be absolutely free to do whatever you want after you get off from work!

To congratulate myself on managing to crawl and slither my way through yet another year (more or less successfully, I'm still waiting for some grades - the one's I've gotten this far haven't been horrible, though) I went shopping on Friday - and man, did I SHOP. I guess I'll be eating oatmeal for a looooong time now, as I'm now the happy owner of a PlayStation3, a new piercing on my ear, new shoes, some clothes including a dress for my brother's graduation party, and an iPhone, which should arrive next week. Talk about shopping therapy! XD


This is what I wore. I went on a full-blown shopping spree because I bumped into a lady doing a poll thing on whatever, and she asked me if I was under 30. I was so mad I wanted to strangle her, but instead I just went and got my earlobe pierced. :D

For once, I also tried something new with my hair, because I didn't feel like wearing my extensions. What do you think? I thought it was kind of cute, though it looked really strange seeing my hair like that.


Yesterday, I went to a trance event "In Search of Sunrise" with Aleksi, and this is what I wore there. Unfortunately I was so tried that I couldn't really enjoy the show or the music to the fullest, but I still had a great time. ♥



Now... looking at this photo, I decided to come out with something, even if it probably won't be a surprise to some of you. The rough year I've had - the stress I've been under, the three times I've been hospitalized for my allergies, and my Grandpa's death among other things - is manifesting itself as an eating disorder. I look fairly healthy because of my bone structure, but my bmi has gotten ridiculously low, and after seeing a dietitian and a doctor all spring and still keeping losing weight I've been sent to a clinic specializing in eating disorders.

Why am I making this public, then? Because after telling my friends, my boyfriend, my family and even a few co-workers I've noticed that being able to talk freely about it makes it much easier for me to convince myself that I need to fix things before they get too bad. I'm apparently on the verge of being taken in, and this doesn't sound at all appealing. -__-;; So I'm hoping that being completely open will help me sort my thoughts out, and of course if you guys have any similar experiences or thoughts or are just interested, just contact me and we can talk more. ♥

I'm hoping you'll all be supportive and also understanding because this is why I've been lacking the energy to update and to get dolled up and take photos. Still, this isn't SUCH a big deal, it's just a part of my life for now and hopefully not for long. :3 Just asking for you to bear with me!





And so that this post wouldn't end with all gloom and doom, a casual photo of what I wore when I left for work this morning - though obviously I have to wear a uniform and my hair on a ponytail there. :D

Still thought it was fairly cute, and for once I dared to pin my bangs up and expose my very vulnerable forehead and - gasp! - eyebrows. :D

Aside from my unusual hairdo, the day was unusual in many other ways as well: in particular in many mysterious things happening to the beer we were selling. First, the glass I was filling randomly dropped its bottom and splashed all the 0,5 l of beer all over me, the table and the floor. Which was EW. Then, when my co-worker was filling another glass, she touched the glasses standing by, very lightly - kaboom, a whole pile of them jumped off the table, knocking the glass off from her hand. Beer on the floor again! Then the tank ran empty, and she had to replace it, which was a show in and of itself, especially since she had to do it based on instructions she was receiving on phone while at the same time instructing me on doing a gin-tonic for a customer who just picked the perfect time to order one. Changing the tank failed twice, we were up to our ankles in beer (... well, almost...), and we had to call for reinforcements. After my boss had successfully changed the tank, we tried to sell some beer - and got foam. LOTS of foam. On the table. On the floor. On ourselves. Not much in the glass, though.

Then, to replace the glasses we had broken, we had to wash some new fresh-from-the-factory glasses. Unsurprisingly, quite a lot of them went kaboom in the dish-washing machine. This day has been so unlucky for anything made of glass that I'm still hesitating to take off my contacts and wear my glasses... XD

'Cause the Future Is Bright Pink, Bitch!

Gosh, it's been so long... again!! ;___; I'm still hideously busy for a few weeks, but then the summer holidays should kick in and leave me some time for rest. I actually got 24 days of paid vacation at work, which is more than fine by me. o3o (Don't you think it's really, really unfair that a teacher's absence counts as yours and it means you'll have to write a longer essay than the rest of the class just because you've missed three times of the lectures, even though that one time you missed because you were freaking hospitalized and the other wasn't even your absence but the teacher's?! Thought so!)

Aside from final essays and a huge pile of exams, two big changes have taken place in my life - in fact, on the very same day. As I said earlier, I have now moved out! Also, remember the tall dude with white hair from my last post, Aleksi? We are, like, in a relationship now. ♥ I'm stunned and amazed at my luck and all this is so overwhelmingly wonderful that I'm almost scared. *___*

Because I've been really busy, I don't have much photos to offer, either, but have three that were taken today~


My room!! ♥ The couch takes up half of the space but who cares, it's comfy and now I have a place to lounge on and to read books on. ♥ As said before, I live in a student apartment with two other girls, so this room is actually the only place I can call my own in our flat. In reality, though, I've apparently made such an everlasting impression on my flatmates that one of them refuses to leave the safety of her room and the other doesn't dare to come home at all, so I get to reign over my kingdom pretty much as I wish. :D


And here's my outfit for going to see Thor with Aleksi~ (Thor was visually great, btw, awesomely epic mythological adventure with fancy computer-made settings and dramatic music, just the way I like it. Plot-wise, it was nothing special, but oh, Loki. ♥ I'm such a myth geek... XD)


Everything in this room gets a pinkish hue because of the new pink-and-purple curtains. XD But I love it.

How are you guys doing? Sorry I haven't been able to keep up with your blogs!

WHITEOUT 2011

Hi there and sorry for yet another long gap :3 The issues I mentioned last time are still around and taking more of my time than ever, and in fact some new things have come up... naturally just in time to distract me from writing my final essays and studying for my final exams. Why do these things always happen when I'm already freaky busy? I'm moving really soon, too...

I don't have much to say and even less time to say it, so just pictures this time, sorry. :3


Everyday outfits with relatively little make up~ I'm so tried in the mornings, I don't have the time to do much X___x


But on Saturday I did get a little more dolled up, because I went to Whiteout, a techno/trance/industrial/whatever rave party *w* It was awesome! The dress-code was, of course, white... but we all know I can only do black and white. :D


Finally got to use those goggles, though! YEAH!



The bags under my eyes tell everything about how busy I am and how little time I have to sleep, and my lower lashes have gone missing yet again, but I like the white stickers on my face. :3 They're actually nail stickers but I figured that what the hell, since I never get to do my nails nicely anyway, why not use them this way, then. :D


Stole this from the Whiteout Facebook page, so obviously IT'S NOT MINE. Copyrights go to whoever took the photo, forgot to check. With me are Aleksi (the tall one) and Katja, my former co-workers, and Jaakko, Aleksi's friend.

What do you think? I think I've managed to get rid of the orange tint where my hair used to be black very nicely, although as a result my hair is really dry and frizzy now and I don't dare to do much with it. :/

Six Feet Under

Umm... Hi guys, what's up? ♥ I'm sorry I've been kind of m.i.a for, uh, more than a month, but... as I've whined before, my school, work and social life are taking quite a lot out of me, and this spring it all just pretty much crashed on me, and with all the health issues going on right now I have to spend all my energy on things like school and work and they're still going like hell... and recovering, I guess. I got hospitalized for my allergies again, too, and failed two exams, which just never happens to me. I'm still far from being okay and keep struggling to get through every day, but I'll try to minimize my brooding here - that's what I have my LJ account for, in any case. (If you're, for some reason, interested, feel free to ask, tho. It's just that I don't like talking about personal things in this blog.)

So, since I haven't really been to any outings as of late, my outfits have been simple and comfy rather than showy, and I haven't put much effort into my make up or hair. Speaking of hair, though - I've gone fully blond again!


Bleaching the dark part was such a pain, though - it turned red first, and then I dyed it brown for a few days before going back to blond... My hair shortened by some 5 cm :D


As you can probably see, the former black is still pretty orange, but since my hair is so damaged right now, I want to let it rest for a while before I bleach it again. :3 So bear with it.



The reason I wanted to go back to blond was this: my new extensions! They were platinum blond and I couldn't find affordable black hair of the same length. And I must admit that the black-and-white hair was so hard to keep looking good, because I had to dye them at different intervals... and trying to silver shampoo the white part without getting it on the dark part was a pain, too.

Btw, the book I have in hand there is the Norton Anthology of American Literature. I just had an exam on it on Wednesday. I hope it went well, even though I think I misspelled some names...


Can you see what has lately become my favorite accessory? XD Since I'm in the habit of sleeping in, that hat is a lifesaver. It looks good with at least half of my wardrobe and saves me the trouble of trying to make my rebellious hair look even remotely acceptable.


Unfortunately, my b/w hair was my most admired hairdo ever. ;____; I loved it when people complimented it, and I loved it myself, too. But... it was just so much trouble - and I'd had it for more than six months, already, and was desperate for a change. Maybe I'll go back to it, some day, though :3



I also have an announcement: I'M MOVING OUT!!! I got a room in a student apartment of HOAS in Helsinki and will be moving in (... to live with two complete strangers, yikes!) on May 2nd unless something dramatic happens. 8) I'm so excited, but this means I'll be even busier than before - the beginning of May is pretty much when all the exams and deadlines are, so I'd better do them BEFORE I move...


And then, because I found this when I was going through my files to gather stuff for this post:

Lol XDDDD ♥ That's me in September (... I think...) 2009. I'd just found this fancy Sin City font and had to try it immediately.